75?

I can’t believe this my 75th post. Sure, a lot of these are music posts and videos that reflect a current state of mind. Some of it is my failed picture of the day for a month and a half… but I’m still surprised I’ve  had 75 unique thoughts 8 full months. 

A lot of my days lately have been filled with an overwhelming loss of control. I had no power over the things going on in my life, I just inserted myself in some predetermined place (class A, practice B, and acting as friend C). To try to regain control, I attempted to do extreme things - far more extreme than any of the people who controlled my place were asking of me. And you know what happened? I isolated myself. There were people trying to help me and I told them everything was fine. I can do it. If I can do even worse things by myself, I can obviously handle whatever it is they are asking of me.

The only way you can truly gain control is by surrendering yourself completely. This summer I went to a new city, a new job, new friends, and the most regimented schedule and workload of my entire life. I’d pass out on the red line trying. And you know what? I had an amazing time. I learned that you can do anything when you let something else take the wheel. All I had to do was get in the back seat like I did as kid on the way to my grandparents house. I knew we were going to get there - and I didn’t have to do a thing except enjoy the ride and smile when we reached our destination.

There are certain things within every one of us that we were born with. Some of them we will never discover on our own but others we will discover through mere experimentation. It is when you learn of these things that you must me most careful. We guard our gifts with both hands, careful not to drop them or give them to anyone except the ones we trust the most. Sometimes our awareness makes us little crazy, especially when we loose control of our gifts - if it be by our hands or anyone else’s.

I understood something this summer that I had forgotten. No matter how bad things get, you never loose what you were born with. I don’t loose my gifts by giving them to other people or letting the gifts reign free - they are supposed to do that! What you are born with is natural, and will only be fulfilled if you let them do just that.

This summer, having a hectic life with almost no control forced me to let my gifts reign free - and what I’ve received so far in return has been a sense of bliss.

To look back at my past posts, you’d see a person stuck in her head, utterly lost and afraid.  Someone once told me I was the most fearless person they knew. At that time I likened it to stubbornness and ignorance. Maybe they were right. Maybe I am. But either way if fearlessness is one of those gifts I haven’t seen yet, then I hope it can come out to play. Because there is so much in this world I want to see.

A few things.

I posted a while back of my desires to wake up early. Not drink all the time. Well, make a wish and you will receive. Sometimes though, the consequences of wishes are a loss of other good things - more so people. I’m loosing friends over my lifestyle choices - but let’s face it. We’re changing. We’re always changing. Sometimes things we used to enjoy doing together aren’t the same as what we enjoy now. But if the way I want to live - in control, with a purpose, comes at the cost of a few people I can’t necessarily enjoy being around - so be it. I can’t sacrifice the things that bring the most joy into my life. Maybe one day we’ll be able to enjoy one another as we change and our lives change - but for now, it’s like breaking up with friends. It’s bittersweet.

Another thing. My life is about to shift from sitting at home all day watching movies and picking when I want to do things to a full, relentless schedule of doing things from 6am till 10pm some nights. But I’ve realized something about myself - and perhaps one reason I became so unhappy last semester. I am really happy when I have a lot to do. Yeah, 6 hours of classes was nice, but with that little to do, what’s the point of even doing it? Sounds crazy, but I’m a girl of extremes. If something matters I do it 110%.

So when I wake up at 4am tomorrow to catch my flight, it’s the much-needed start to what I call “go-time.” The thought of which brings a fire back to my eyes.

Races always evoke some dread about pain that will come. But we can’t escape the fact that the more discomfort we accept in a race, the faster we will run. Successful racing means courting the pain. 

John Elliott 

Is it so much to ask for? All I want in life right now is to

1. Wake up early.

2. Go to bed early.

3. And only drink in celebration or if I plan on going sickcrazy. 

…Apparently it is.